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Humor: Sorry, Jesus Cannot Speak Here

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By Fr. Robert J. Carr
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Reading a passage in chapter 15 of the Gospel of Matthew, I spied this one phrase which uniquely could have been written today.

Peter tells Jesus that he has offended the Pharisees. He dismisses their concerns by labeling them as nothing more than the blind leading the blind.

Clearly, Jesus would not be among the politically correct. The following is a humorous look at just how Jesus and his Apostles would be understood in an era of political correctness.

Dear Mr. Apostle Peter,

I am writing to inform you that we will not be allowing this Mr. Jesus Christ to speak at our university. It is clear from the materials that you submitted to us that he does not meet the high standards we set for speakers at this university.

I have indeed read over the material that you sent me with your request for Mr. Jesus' speaking engagement. I have of course read the testimony you enclosed from a Mr. Matthew, the former tax collector, who also claims to have the title of Apostle.

Clearly, we take great pleasure in reading the testimony of any public employee who supports our current tax system and the many benefits its supplies to us in our university system. However, we were very disturbed by this testimony.

We ask you, humbly: don't scroll away.

For example, in Chapter 15 of Mr. Matthew's dissertation, we found that this Mr. Jesus took a cavalier attitude at the concept of offending others. Specifically, after being informed that he had offended a political/ethnic group called Pharisees, your Mr. Jesus dismisses that terribly rude action and then goes and offends them more by calling them blind. I great appreciate you and your fellow apostles' response to duty in calling to Mr. Jesus the need to respect the standards that we hold in our university system called political correctness, an attitude that some mock and undermine. However, it seems your Mr. Jesus does not comprehend, nor appreciate, the importance of political correctness.

Mr. Peter, political correctness is quite a substantial part of our society; we just cannot go around indiscriminately offending people, now can we?

This Mr. Jesus needs to know that such terms that he uses as

sin

commandments

woe

Do not babble like the pagans

You hypocrite!

Depart from me, you evildoers

Everyone who listens to these words of mine but does not act on them will be like a fool who built his house on sand

And finally worst of all: Father

These and so many words he speaks are so completely politically incorrect, as is calling a critic blind. This is just not the behavior we condone at this university.

I also see that according to Mr. Matthew's testimony that your group does not approve of the killing of children as done by Our Beloved King Herod, may he be forever praised. His action of killing children, you do realize, was to ensure that the current standards we enjoy in this society could be maintained. The killing of children, a practice maintained today, should clearly be safe, legal and rare. However, without it there are people here who would lose their prosperity and we cannot have that, now can we!

Further, Mr. Matthew cites the genealogy of this Mr. Jesus and cites with only a minimal exception the patriarchal lineage. How can anyone, in this day and age, be so intensely politically incorrect as to write something so sexist? As a man, I was truly offended for my sisters in the human race who were left out of that genealogy. This, from the very beginning, was so offensive to me, I have to admit, it would be terribly difficult for Mr. Matthew to present anything sufficient to allow for this Mr. Jesus to talk at our university. I plugged through most of the writing, but finally, I had to put it down in chapter 15 with the aforementioned text of offending Pharisees. I could go no further, so disgusted was I of the statements of this Mr. Jesus.

Embrace your Faith

I learn of offensive statements made to a Mr. Beelzebub who was ready to offer Mr. Jesus the greatest of prosperity, and Mr. Jesus insults him as well. We have a saying here at this university, Mr. Peter, we do not bite the hand that feeds us. If someone wants to make us the most prestigious university in the world, we will do whatever he asks. Otherwise, there is no way we can compete for that pool of university students who seek just what this Mr. Beelzebub was offering. Prestige, prosperity, fame, fortune and most of all power. I mean, why do you think people pay so much to our university if they were not going to gain such quite legitimate items for their portfolio?

Yet, this Mr. Jesus continues. He calls people to repent and turn their lives around. We are a forward-looking university, Mr. Peter. We do not turn our lives around for anyone.

Although I found this so called Sermon of the Mount promising, please consider that the Poor in Spirit do not have what it takes to make it at our university.

I am disgusted that Mr. Jesus did not come to abolish the Law, I am assuming he means the Ten Commandments. Mr. Peter, don't you think in this day and age it is time to realize that the Ten Commandments have nothing to say to us? They outlaw such things as adultery, and coveting. Where would our society be without such things Mr. Peter? Think of the people who would be unemployed if we outlawed adultery and covetousness. Consumerism lives on the latter, and who is Mr. Jesus to enter the bedrooms to enforce the former.

Need I say how angry I am at his statements on divorce? As a man married 5 times in my life and presently preparing for my sixth with the woman I can say I truly love, I cannot tell you how offended I was to read his words about divorce. I would never had found this woman without the formation I had with the previous divorces. I will also tell you that I care for all of my children from my previous 5 marriages. I even take quite a bit of time to visit, on a yearly basis, the three in prison.

I was also deeply concerned about these medical cures he performs. Mr. Jesus is not a licensed professional, he does not hold a degree from a fully accredited medical school such as our own, and you expect me to offer him to our students as a good model. I cannot tell you how ridiculous a proposal that is. The next thing you know they will abandon good medical practice and go out and heal the indigent with untested medical practices. Talk about malpractice, Mr. Peter. This Mr. Jesus is a trial attorney's dream.

We Will Pray with You: Light Your Virtual Prayer Candle

This is especially true of this curing of people healed of the demonic. Now Mr. Peter, do you actually think we can accept the concept that people can be bothered by demons? In my whole life I have never seen a demon. That means, to me anyway, that demons do not exist. In one case, I see that he used this trick he does with "demons" to destroy a whole swine herd? What do you think that would do to our economy if that kind of stuff started to happen in this country? I will tell you this would not only anger the meat industry, The United Food and Commercial Workers Union would be none too happy either.

I cannot continue to tell you how much I absolutely disagree with your proposal to bring Mr. Jesus to our university. He is not politically correct, he practices medicine without a license. He denigrates our mission of bringing people prosperity, fame, fortune power and every other worldly pleasure.

I am sorry to say this to you, Mr. Peter, but our standards are of such that we cannot permit anyone from your group to come to our university at any time ever.

May I finally give a warning to you and your brother apostles? Mr. Jesus speaks of a tone that frankly could get him killed someday. I would suggest you get him to change his message and right soon!

Sincerely yours,

Dr. Screwtape Axelrod III, Ph.D.
Director of Speakers Programs
Hairvoid University
43 Wormwood St.
Enfield, MA

Note to readers: Hairvoid University is a fictional university.

Enfield, MA is a popular location for various fiction items. It actually was a town in Central Massachusetts up until the late 1930's when eminent domain took possession of the community. It now sits at the bottom of the Quabbin Reservoir, which holds the water for the city of Boston.

Wormwood St. (in Boston) is where you find the Parole Board of the Commonwealth of MA. Ironically, Wormwood is also the name of a star that falls destroying 1/3 of the population of the world in the Book of Revelation (Rev. 8:11). I would love to find out what cheery person came up with that name for that street.

____________________

Fr. Robert J. Carr is the author of Evolution, Faith and the Future of Catholicism available at Amazon.com and other fine stores.