When Two Become None: Mexico City Lawmakers Push Trial Marriages?

On a human level, a marriage that is not decidedly permanent is contrary to the deepest desire of our heart

Among many things, inherent to the definition of marriage is that it is to be until death. The whole notion that we can decide how long our marriage should be is a fruit of the no-fault divorce fiasco that has produced the mentality that when difficulties abound we should just call it quits.

P>SAN ANTONIO, TX (Catholic Online) - Mexico City lawmakers are currently considering a further redefinition of the meaning of marriage. They are proposing to implement a policy that would allow for couples to decide on the length of their commitment.

The minimum contract would be two years, after which time a couple could "re-up" if they decide that they are happy with one another and their living situation. The contract is specified like any other one, with provisions on what happens with possessions and children.   

While it's laudable that lawmakers are attempting to do something about the nearly 50% divorce rate (which most divorces occur within the first two years of marriage), as well as attempt to spare people of the pain of divorce, they're going about it in the wrong way. The fact that this is an historically Catholic country should lead us to believe that some major catechesis on marriage needs to be implemented.

To paraphrase Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, a paper towel is not a napkin. No matter how many times we say that a paper towel is a napkin, it can never be a napkin. A paper towel has essential properties and qualities, and once we change those properties, it ceases to be a paper towel.

What does this have to do with marriage? Namely, we can't make marriage into anything we want it to be. Once a person, group, lobbying organization or government begins to change the definition of marriage, it ceases to be marriage.

Certainly, it may look like a marriage from the outside, but in reality it's not one. Just as two men who want to get married can't because they're unable to fulfill the essential nature of marriage, when we begin saying that marriage has a two-year limit, we essentially render it meaningless.

Among many things, inherent to the definition of marriage is that it is to be until death. The whole notion that we can decide how long our marriage should be is a fruit of the no-fault divorce fiasco that has produced the mentality that when difficulties abound we should just call it quits. 

Too many of us have seen our parents, family members or neighbors split up and think this is normal. But the cost of divorce (or whatever Mexico City lawmakers want to call it) - emotionally and financially - is just too high for all of us.

When we enter into marriage, we never know what we're going to get. We may have a spectacular marriage with beautiful children and a lifetime of health and wealth. Or, God forbid, the morning after we consummate our marriage our car may be cut in two in an accident, and one of us may be a quadriplegic. We just never know. But if we've had it planted in our mind (or worse, signed a two-year contract) that if things go belly up, we'll just part ways.

When problems arise (which they always do), we'll be looking for a backdoor out of that situation (I know this experientially: I've been married for over two years now, and if my wife and I were not just committed to each other but also to this crazy little thing called marriage, we would have split up.) Because of the brokenness that occurs in all human relationships and the darkness we find in ourselves, if we don't set our face like flint and decide to stick it out through hell and high water, our marriage is inevitably bound for the divorce court.

On a human level, a marriage that is not decidedly permanent is contrary to the deepest desire of our heart. Every one of us, if we're honest, wants permanence. We want to know that someone's going to be there for us when we're having a rough day, or when we screw up know that they're going to forgive us. Most importantly, our children need to know that dad and mom are going to be there for them, together, to guide them through all the moments of life. Isn't this what you wanted growing up?

For us Catholics, on a Sacramental level, we believe marriage to not be a contract, but a covenant. It is a total exchange of ourselves to another in a way that is to image profoundly Jesus Christ's love for the Church. Our Divine Bridegroom gave everything of Himself to His Bride. What if He just decided He's had enough with us pathetic sinners and that He's walking away? We'd be eternally divorced from Love Himself and destined for eternal separation from our heart's desire.

Because Christ will never leave us, even going to the depths of love by shedding His blood for us, we too must re-examine what marriage is supposed to be all about. We need to learn to take the attitude with our spouse as He does with us, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

The Good News is the Sacrament of Marriage actually gives us the power to say YES unconditionally with the whole of our life. If we're having struggles, we need to come together as spouses and beg Him to unlock the graces He initially poured out to us on that day that we promised our sacred oaths to one another. He wants to help us to carry our crosses so that we can be an even brighter reflection of His love for humanity.

If we're not happy with the amount of divorces, we should not try to redefine reality. Instead, let's make a real change. Let's rediscover what permanency all about, that it's not a hindrance to our freedom, but instead frees us to make a complete, life-long self gift to the one who we promised to love forever.
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Steve Pokorny is the Associate Director of the Office of Marriage, Family Life & NFP in the Archdiocese of San Antonio. He is also the founder of Freedom Coaching, which is one-on-one work with those with unwanted pornography attraction. He can be reached at steve.pokorny@archsa.org

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