Dealing with the early conflict areas in marriage

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CNS) - - - What are the greatest concerns of couples in marriage's first five years? "Time, sex and money," couples responded in a national study conducted by the Center for Marriage and Family at Jesuit-run Creighton University in Omaha, Neb.

The nation's high divorce rate prompted the study, Gail Risch said when I interviewed her for this article. Risch, a center researcher and a Creighton lecturer in theology, said that "most divorces take place in those early years of marriage. So if you want to minister to those people you do a study to ask a lot of questions, discover really what's going on, what is really real for those couples because ministry ought to be based on reality. You don't make presumptions about that." The study's findings are used by many Catholic parishes and dioceses today "to update, to adjust and in some cases to establish" marriage-preparation and marital-enrichment programs, Risch said. Most couples surveyed by the study said their biggest concerns were the balance between jobs and family, the frequency of sexual relations and financial matters, including debt brought into the marriage. "Time, Sex and Money: The First Five Years of Marriage," a report of the study's findings, was released in December 2000. Couples also were asked what advice they would give to newly married couples. Their response? "Communicate, communicate, communicate." Many stressed that "they considered daily communication between spouses a key to a good marital relationship. Some linked communication with listening, honesty and openness," the study said. Most study respondents, about 82 percent, were Catholic. The average age of the respondents was 30. More than half the respondents attended church regularly, more than a third as a couple. About three-fourths of those surveyed were members of a local church. The report cautioned that this particular study's findings apply only to educated, white U.S. Catholics, and not to the entire U.S. Catholic population. In 1960, U.S. census statistics say, 16 percent of first marriages ended in divorce. Today that figure is somewhere between 40 percent and 50 percent. The Creighton study said research shows that "divorce in one generation increases the likelihood of divorce in the next." So "support for and nurture of couples" in the first few years of marriage "is critical." The study showed that time together was a concern. Couples were concerned about having enough "couple time" and, for those who were parents (about one-third of respondents), having time with their children. "Spouses in the first five years of marriage clearly need help balancing their varied responsibilities," the study said. It confirmed what previous research shows, that in marriage's early years, especially the child-rearing years, spouses are less likely to report success in managing their job and family responsibilities." The study said programs and resources should help such couples achieve this balance and to "enhance and stabilize" their marriages. While the couples reported that the "enjoyment of sexual relations was high," frequency of sexual relations was an issue, the study noted. It suggested that the likelihood of sexual problems "is a signal to practitioners of the need for effective premarital and post-marital resources to help couples recognize, deal with and move beyond problems in their sexual lives." As for money, the study confirmed what already is "known in marital research, namely that there is a strong relationship between financial issues and marital satisfaction." "Though marriage-preparation and enrichment programs and resources can do nothing about couples' finances," it said, "they can forewarn couples of the predictable occurrence of financial problems, throw light on their origin and provide strategies for dealing with them." One finding Risch found interesting, she said, was that a number of people showed interest in marriage help available on the Internet. Risch said she was surprised that only a few respondents said they were interested in having another, longer-married couple as mentors. Yet "there are lots of mentoring programs out there, and that's one of the most effective" approaches, she said. Respondents reported more interest in parenting and pregnancy programs and get-togethers for new parents. Leaders of enrichment programs for young married couples also must be conscious of the need to provide child care so that couples can get out of the house to attend events, said Risch. "If you're going to ask them to come on a Tuesday night or a Saturday afternoon, you need to make child care available," she added. - - - Asher is domestic news editor at Catholic News Service.

---

Copyright (c) 2007 Catholic News Service/U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops