Confessions of an Emmy-cidal maniac

The Orange County Register (MCT) - Last week, I tried to save the Emmys.

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Now I want to kill them.

It's not just that the show was astonishingly boring. And it's not that the members of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences showed an elitist and arrogant side of their nature by voting for shows and performers that the viewing public was either unfamiliar with, or simply didn't care about.

No, it is neither of those things that have brought me to the brink of Emmy-cide.

I want to kill the Emmys because of the decision to hire those five reality show hosts.

I'm going out on a limb here, considering all the bad TV we've endured in recent decades, but I believe that opening segment following Oprah Winfrey was the worst television in the history of the medium.

And that includes "The Jerry Springer Show," which TV Guide put at the top of its list of the 50 worst shows in TV history.

Future generations of couch potatoes will sit around their virtual TV sets, or whatever passes as home entertainment, and debate which was worse _ Jerry Springer or those five reality show hosts on the 60th Primetime Emmys.

I have lost sleep this week trying to comprehend what logic was used in making the decision. Is logic the right word?

The truth is that people who make a considerable amount of money to render decisions reached a conclusion that it was a good idea to use Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst, Heidi Klum, Ryan Seacrest and Tom Bergeron. The Emmys came this close to having their lowest Emmys ratings on record as a result of that decision, so it's not just me.

In order to make sense of it, I am going to imagine the decision-making process, such as it was, if for no better reason than to serve as a cautionary tale for the TV executives who replace the dim bulbs responsible for this decision.

Here is the conversation as I imagine it:

TV EXEC NUMBER ONE: I think I've figured out the host problem.

TV EXEC NUMBER TWO: Jon Stewart?

NUMBER ONE: No.

NUMBER TWO: Chris Rock?

NUMBER ONE: No.

NUMBER TWO: Ellen?

NUMBER ONE: No.

NUMBER TWO: I give up. Who should host the show?

NUMBER ONE: How does Tom Bergeron sound to you?

NUMBER TWO: Is this a joke?

NUMBER ONE: No joke. But I wouldn't come to you with just the name Tom Bergeron.

NUMBER TWO: I would hope not. Are you teaming him with Steve Martin?

NUMBER ONE: Does the name Jeff Probst ring a bell?

NUMBER TWO: Are you on drugs?

NUMBER ONE: Hear me out. Not just Tom and Jeff, but Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel and Ryan Seacrest, too.

NUMBER TWO: They're all reality show hosts.

NUMBER ONE: Exactly.

NUMBER TWO: Exactly what?

NUMBER ONE: An awards show is live, which is real, like a reality show. Who would know how to handle a reality show better than reality show hosts?

NUMBER TWO: You haven't been getting a lot of sleep, have you?

NUMBER ONE: This could work.

NUMBER TWO: But these five people don't have any talent. How are they going to entertain millions of people without any talent?

NUMBER ONE: They have some talent.

NUMBER TWO: Name one.

NUMBER ONE: Howie has talent.

NUMBER TWO: Howie used to have talent.

NUMBER ONE: Ryan's the host of "American Idol."

NUMBER TWO: This isn't "American Idol." They have singers and Simon Cowell.

NUMBER ONE: Heidi's pretty.

NUMBER TWO: Pretty doesn't get laughs.

NUMBER ONE: What if we dressed her up in a tuxedo and had William Shatner come up and rip off her clothes?

NUMBER TWO: The "Star Trek" guy?

NUMBER ONE: No, he's got a new show.

NUMBER TWO: Why would anyone care if he ripped Heidi's clothes off?

NUMBER ONE: It'll be hysterical.

NUMBER TWO: What else do you have?

NUMBER ONE: I've got this great idea for an opening bit.

NUMBER TWO: I'm excited. Let me hear the idea.

NUMBER ONE: You're gonna love this.

NUMBER TWO: Lay it on me.

NUMBER ONE: Nothing.

NUMBER TWO: Nothing?

NUMBER ONE: That's right. Nothing. We have the five reality show hosts walk out on stage and do nothing.

NUMBER TWO: Do I need to call security?

NUMBER ONE: No, I'm serious. We have the hosts come out on stage and do absolutely nothing. The audience will eat it up.

NUMBER TWO: There's no precedent for this.

NUMBER ONE: You're wrong. "Seinfeld," the greatest show in the history of television, was a show about nothing. People loved it. We'll do eight or nine minutes about nothing and the world will think we're geniuses.

NUMBER TWO: It might work.

NUMBER ONE: It will work. I promise you.

NUMBER TWO: But can we still get Shatner to rip Heidi's clothes off?

NUMBER ONE: What else does he have to do that night?

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Barry Koltnow: bkoltnow@ocregister.com

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© 2008, The Orange County Register (Santa Ana, Calif.).