Too Much Hovering?

It's OK to let your children fail.

Co-worker Steve is in his late twenties, and teaches me all sorts of new things related to social media, what the kids are doing these days, etc. A couple of weeks ago I heard him mention a term that had yet to permeate my brain: helicopter parents. Being a PR chick in the air medical industry, my thoughts immediately turned to parents who might work as flight nurses, flight paramedics, or pilots. No. Helicopter parents hover. They don't allow children to learn from mistakes, because they never let children fail.

Nashville, TN - Hi, my name is Shelly, and I'm a recovering helicopter parent. I know what you must be thinking. "Not you, Shell! You're so tough." No, Sarcastic Woman, my alter ego, is tough. Shelly is a former helicopter parent. Yes, former. And really only with one child - Christopher. Of course, that was the one child that needed to learn from his own failures.

A couple of items in the news took the helicopter parent concept to new lows. A school district in New York has banned hard balls such as baseballs, soccer balls and lacrosse balls during recess, citing safety concerns. And the Kentucky High School Athletic Association has issued a "Commissioner's Directive," advising schools not to hold organized post-game handshake lines because of too many fights and physical conflicts. The directive stated, "Unfortunately, the adrenaline and effort required to participate in the sport sometimes seems to deplete the supply of judgment available to participants." Commission Julian Tackett said students may still shake hands with other players voluntarily, but they will be held accountable if they choose to do so.

These are examples of organizational hovering. Sarcastic woman would tell you that if young athletes want to use the post-game handshake line to start something, then maybe they need to experience a few consequences for failure to follow the "Do Unto Others" rule. And really, let's take away balls from kids? I wonder if the head of that school district in New York has stock in a video game company, or a controlling interest in the new version of Twinkies. Why would anyone discourage playing ball? Here's a thought: if the kids get hurt, they'll find a new way to catch. Maybe they'll even learn the consequence of not paying attention. Puh-lease!

I get that you want children to be safe. Please, school districts, please take a long, critical look at your values and your goals. If safety is your top priority, then act now. All children should wear bubble wrap that is three-feet thick, along with a helmet. They should not be allowed to ride bicycles, roller skate, swim, run, etc. All sports would cease to exist, because someone might be injured, or because someone might be upset over a loss.

I've never had to really hover over Michael and Sam. Sam wouldn't let me hover - ever. Oh, she wanted me there during extended hospital stays, but our girl was never afraid to try something on her own first, without asking for help. Michael asks when he needs help. He's a good writer, but confuses "there, they're and their" from time to time. He wants to do well in college, so he asks me to proof his work.

We "homework hovered" over Christopher in middle school and high school. He only put forth the effort when there was something in it for him. I always had faith that Christopher would eventually find his path, and (gasp!), it may not include college. It took a while, but he found his passion.all on his own. On January 7, 2014, Christopher began a career in the  U.S. Army. His goal is to be a nurse, and then maybe even a flight nurse.

I can't tell you how proud we are of our oldest son, and I'm not sure I would change the homework hovering aspect. If I were an over-the-top helicopter parent, I would have forbid him to join the U.S. Army. He is fully aware of the risks that choice involves, and knows it will take hard work to reach his goal - to help people by treating their injuries and putting them in a helicopter to quickly and safely get them to emergency health care. Now, that's my kind of hover!  

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