Can the Church Help Hurting Marriages?

1/29/2004 - 5:50 AM PST

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by Fr. Jerry Foley

�Loved the wedding. Invite me to the marriage� � God.

This bulletin board message speaks not only to couples but to the churches.

Michael McManus of Marriage Savers calls the churches �wedding factories,� noting that the silence of the churches when it comes to maintaining marriages is �scandalous.�

Some years ago, the U.S. bishops asked American Catholics where they most needed help from the church. The overwhelming response was in their marriages and family life.

Could it be different? Of course. But marriage is an ideal in the church rather than a value. We believe ideals are very important but we do little to achieve them. We sacrifice to achieve values.

Greg and Kae turned to the church when they were separated and looking for help but were told that no help was available. Frustrated, Kae asserts �There�s no shame in asking for help and expecting the efforts of the church to say, �We know you�re struggling.�

At the end of the last century, a theologian was asked what were the three most outstanding events of the 20th Century and named Alcoholics Anonymous as one of the three. In a world of diminishing neighborhoods and broken families, he said, AA has taught us again that we need each other and is spawning all kinds of peer ministries.

Retrouvaille, a ministry to hurting marriages, is one of these ministries. Retrouvaille consists of a weekend, 12 follow-up sessions, and ongoing support groups led by a priest and couples who have experienced marital difficulties themselves.

A man who participated in Retrouvaille wrote: �I�m telling you this to encourage you that people listen to suffering people, and people don�t go to folks who �have it all together� when they have troubles. They go to someone who is not shocked, who has been hurt, and who will listen without passing judgment, someone who has found some answers but doesn�t always have all the answers.�

It�s such sharing that moved Bob to say: �In Retrouvaille, we heard other couples talk about their marital problems. Hearing the team couples discuss their own relationships � the kind of pain they have experienced and the resolutions that took place through the commitment they made to each other at Retrouvaille � really moved a lot of people at that weekend.�

Communication between spouses is a strong emphasis of Retrouvaille. When the Associated Press asked divorce lawyers what were the main causes of divorce, the lawyers stated that the major problem was communication difficulties and the only other major cause was couples drifting apart. No wonder. Yale University studies indicated the average American couple communicates only two minutes a day.

Here in the Twin Cities of Minnesota, over 5000 couples have participated in Retrouvaille since we begin in 1989. Unofficial studies show that most of these couples will remain married, even though some were separated or divorced when they came to Retrouvaille.

Retrouvaille is in most major cities of North America. Information is available by calling 1-800-470-2230 or on the web site at www.retrouvaille.org

______________________________

Fr. Jerry Foley works as a priest in the Twin Cities of Minnesota. He currently works in hospice ministry as well as with Retrouvaille and Catholic Engaged Encounter. He is the author of five books, including Courage to Love � When Your Marriage Hurts available from Ave Maria Press.

Fr. Jerry Foley
4736 Coffey Lane
Minneapolis, MN 55406
651-232-3301
gkfoley@cs.com

Contact

Retrouvaille Marriage Help
http://www.retrouvaille.org MN, US
Father Jerry Foley - Int'l Enrichment/Resource Team, 651 232-3301

Email

Gkfoley@aol.com

Keywords

hurting marriages, retrouvaille, marriage

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1 - 8 of 8 Comments

Charles Sanders
1 year ago
What one says and what one does can be two very different things. One can say all the right things at all the right times and walk away not acting any of it. I know this boils down to honesty but many people, at the time, are very honest in what they say but still don't act on what they say, they are not people of their word. Also, mental illness, denied and therefore untreated, can be a big factor in an unhappy marriage and I think no amount of communication is going to help in a situation like this. Communication isn't always the answer.
Michael Berkowick
1 year ago
It helps to know I am not alone.
Bob dorish
1 year ago
i am seeking help desperatly for my marriage if someone could please contact me i would deeply appreciate it.
Fred Fuhrer
2 years ago
We had a very good marriage until two years ago. My wife lost her job, I was on Social security disability and still am. Last June, her unemployment ran out, then my wife had to go on SS Disability, too. She blew at any provocation, any time the money ran short. I comforted her every time, believing that the job loss, tight money, and menopause caused these outbursts I gave her everything she asked for - that I could afford. I tried to be open for anything she wanted to talk about. I thought I was a good husband Things calmed down for a while, but it was just the calm before the storm. Last Saturday, she blew up like Mt.Saint Helens and demanded a divorce. I was shocked, felt betrayed and destroyed because I wanted to be with this wonderful woman till the day I died. Now, after seeing my priest, (who said prayer is the only answer) I am in a living hell. I can't eat, I can't sleep, at times all I can do is shake and cry, or get so horribly angry. She called me useless, a wimp. I need help before my marriage is so destroyed, there will be no saving it. We have a 13 year old son who cares for nothing but video games, and fattening foods. We home school him to protect him from the school gangs, and the crappy curriculum the school offers. I think he hates me for the rules I make, or the rules my wife makes, and I enforce, he hates us for making him do his school work..
I am a man who has never been a control freak, never hit a woman, never said no to my wife when she wanted something, and has only spanked my son five times in his whole life. What in God's name have I done wrong? In all of the 19 years we have been together, the bad times, the good times - we have survived through everything. What has gone so wrong? I have never run away from a problem, but all I want to do is disappear, to run away from this madness. She holds this demand of divorce over me like a sword of Damocles, and I cannot handle this everyday. Somebody help, please?
Maryellen Elizabeth Hart
3 years ago
Thank you.
Larry
3 years ago
Over the past three years my wife of 19 yrs.has been involved in an emotional affair. We have been talking with our local priest but I still can't forgive her due to the fact that she fails to see any wrong in what she has done. I love my wife and I am devoted to my Catholic faith. I just feel the need to experience God's grace with my wife and pray that this retreat will help us forgive and move forward in the light of Christ.
Marge S.
4 years ago
My husband and I went on a Retrouvaille Weekend in June 1999. I joke that without Retrouvaille, we would not have been married when the New Millenium arrived. We had such serious problems, of a couple varieties, that I did not think anything could help us. I think that it was through the grace of God, that we both were willing to come and to work at healing our marriage during the Retrouvaille Weekend and at the follow-up POST sessions. Our marriage still is far from perfect, but we are happy together. That is itself is a tribute to the quality of the Retrouvaille Program.
Lorena
4 years ago
I am one of the many wives that's been hurt, lied to and betrayed by my husband of 14 years. I've been wanting to go to Retrouvaille and had mentioned it to him. He keep on telling me to set it up but it seems like he is still not ready to own up to his mistake and I believe that he is still lying about his affair (s) even after I had forgiven him. I'm still finding out things that linked to the other woman until now. Our communication and not there anymore and when I feel hurt and when I find things out he sense it and he becomes defensive which leads us to argument. I need advice and help. Thank you.

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