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Humor: Sorry, Jesus Cannot Speak Here

By Fr. Robert J. Carr
© Catholic Online

Reading a passage in chapter 15 of the Gospel of Matthew, I spied this one phrase which uniquely could have been written today.

Peter tells Jesus that he has offended the Pharisees. He dismisses their concerns by labeling them as nothing more than the blind leading the blind.

Clearly, Jesus would not be among the politically correct. The following is a humorous look at just how Jesus and his Apostles would be understood in an era of political correctness.

Dear Mr. Apostle Peter,

I am writing to inform you that we will not be allowing this Mr. Jesus Christ to speak at our university. It is clear from the materials that you submitted to us that he does not meet the high standards we set for speakers at this university.

I have indeed read over the material that you sent me with your request for Mr. Jesus' speaking engagement. I have of course read the testimony you enclosed from a Mr. Matthew, the former tax collector, who also claims to have the title of Apostle.

Clearly, we take great pleasure in reading the testimony of any public employee who supports our current tax system and the many benefits its supplies to us in our university system. However, we were very disturbed by this testimony.

For example, in Chapter 15 of Mr. Matthew's dissertation, we found that this Mr. Jesus took a cavalier attitude at the concept of offending others. Specifically, after being informed that he had offended a political/ethnic group called Pharisees, your Mr. Jesus dismisses that terribly rude action and then goes and offends them more by calling them blind. I great appreciate you and your fellow apostles' response to duty in calling to Mr. Jesus the need to respect the standards that we hold in our university system called political correctness, an attitude that some mock and undermine. However, it seems your Mr. Jesus does not comprehend, nor appreciate, the importance of political correctness.

Mr. Peter, political correctness is quite a substantial part of our society; we just cannot go around indiscriminately offending people, now can we?

This Mr. Jesus needs to know that such terms that he uses as




Do not babble like the pagans

You hypocrite!

Depart from me, you evildoers

Everyone who listens to these words of mine but does not act on them will be like a fool who built his house on sand

And finally worst of all: Father

These and so many words he speaks are so completely politically incorrect, as is calling a critic blind. This is just not the behavior we condone at this university.

I also see that according to Mr. Matthew's testimony that your group does not approve of the killing of children as done by Our Beloved King Herod, may he be forever praised. His action of killing children, you do realize, was to ensure that the current standards we enjoy in this society could be maintained. The killing of children, a practice maintained today, should clearly be safe, legal and rare. However, without it there are people here who would lose their prosperity and we cannot have that, now can we!

Further, Mr. Matthew cites the genealogy of this Mr. Jesus and cites with only a minimal exception the patriarchal lineage. How can anyone, in this day and age, be so intensely politically incorrect as to write something so sexist? As a man, I was truly offended for my sisters in the human race who were left out of that genealogy. This, from the very beginning, was so offensive to me, I have to admit, it would be terribly difficult for Mr. Matthew to present anything sufficient to allow for this Mr. Jesus to talk at our university. I plugged through most of the writing, but finally, I had to put it down in chapter 15 with the aforementioned text of offending Pharisees. I could go no further, so disgusted was I of the statements of this Mr. Jesus.

I learn of offensive statements made to a Mr. Beelzebub who was ready to offer Mr. Jesus the greatest of prosperity, and Mr. Jesus insults him as well. We have a saying here at this university, Mr. Peter, we do not bite the hand that feeds us. If someone wants to make us the most prestigious university in the world, we will do whatever he asks. Otherwise, there is no way we can compete for that pool of university students who seek just what this Mr. Beelzebub was offering. Prestige, prosperity, fame, fortune and most of all power. I mean, why do you think people pay so much to our university if they were not going to gain such quite legitimate items for their portfolio?

Yet, this Mr. Jesus continues. He calls people to repent and turn their lives around. We are a forward-looking university, Mr. Peter. We do not turn our lives around for anyone.

Although I found ...

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