Journeying to Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary

I tried to make Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary a couple of years ago. I almost did, too. I prayed my way through the 33 preparatory days (albeit many, if not most were lip service) and went to Mass and Reconciliation, but chickened out of the final consecration. I know that one day I will start again and follow through to the end, but something needs to happen in my heart before that first prayer is said (and said from the heart).

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BRISBANE, AU - I need to want to consecrate my heart to Jesus through Mary. At this point in time, all I want is to want to want to consecrate my heart to Jesus through Mary. Capisce?

But it's not the consecration to Jesus part that I get stuck on.

I really like Mary. I do. I am so very grateful for her yes and her surrender to God's will. I respect her as the Mother of Christ and I so desperately want to see her as my own Mother also. Yet I struggle. When I was in primary school, my local parish put on a nativity play before the Christmas Eve Vigil each year. I can remember one particular year I was in the running for being chosen to be  play the role of Mary. Oh how I wanted to play that part! She was the most beautiful, the most desirable, the most perfect woman - the star of the show (I realize now though that, in her humility, she never placed herself as such - Jesus was and always is the center).

I didn't get the role, but I was intensely jealous of the girl who did. That jealousy grew into jealousy for Mary herself - the only woman ever to attain true perfection. Her with her perfect Caucasian skin: thin, white, flawless. I'm not saying that she wasn't physically attractive just that the blue-eyed, hair-flowing version of our Mother doesn't do it for me. She was a Middle Eastern Jew after all: dark eyes and skin, hair always covered.

Then again, there's something quite beautiful about how she brings herself to where we are at, which results in stuff like this:

I ditched the jealousy long ago. What's really stopping me, though, from allowing her to truly be my Mother is my understanding of her in my head and my heart. It's not like I've been sitting on my laurels, waiting for the answers to come to me. Okay, maybe a little bit. But I have been actively praying that she might show me. I know she's been listening because my heart is slowly changing and my head is slowly understanding.

One of the things that I struggled with most (and I know that you've heard this before) is, why not go straight to Jesus? Why bother with her? Some great wisdom was shared with me just last weekend. That because of her Immaculate Conception, she was spotless: without sin. So, when she prays, she prays without selfishness, without pride, without distraction but with her whole heart. I, on the other hand, am riddled with the inclination to sinfulness and am incapable of perfect petition and thanksgiving. By inviting our Blessed Mother to intercede, she will be taking perfect prayers to Jesus on my behalf. How much louder will these prayers be heard!

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It doesn't solve my every struggle with her, but I do know that I am that much closer to changing my wanting to want to consecrate my heart to Jesus through Mary to wanting to consecrate my heart to Jesus through Mary. Capisce?

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