The internet does what the anaconda doesn't -- Paul Rosolie EATEN ALIVE by internet after chickening out on prime-time pledge

If you promise the world that you'll allow yourself to be devoured alive by a starving anaconda, then you had better follow through with the stunt or else the internet will be very, very angry with you, and it will tweet some very amusing things at your expense.

LOS ANGELES, CA (Catholic Online) - Last night, millions of Americans tuned in to watch "Eaten Alive" a much-hyped Discovery Channel special intended to bring awareness to rainforest conservation issues. And what better way to interest people in the rainforest than to have a man volunteer to be devoured alive by an anaconda? And why wasn't this pay-per-view?

Americans have a love for gruesome spectacles. Anytime a disaster erupts, Americans will be riveted to news coverage for hours. It ripples through the talk shows for days. Documentaries are made, YouTube posts rocket to millions of views. Americans are the kind of people that will change the route of their commute just so they can drive by the accident, even though they are adamant against admitting it.

Finish Christmas shopping today!

Knowing this bizarre penchant Americans have, the Discovery Channel promised the "full monty." A self-professed naturalist, Paul Rosolie actually volunteered to allow himself to be eaten alive by an anaconda. The promise of watching Darwin's Theory at work was too much to keep watchers away and millions tuned in.

Rosolie claimed he would be protected by a special snake-proof suit which included a helmet and its own air supply. So prepared, he and his intrepid camera crew would venture into the jungles and marshes of the Amazon to seek a giant anaconda, the largest snake in the world. Smeared with pig's blood, he would lie still as a hungry snake attempted to feast on him, head-first.

The plan sparked outrage from animal activists and skeptics even challenged if Rosolie would even be touched by the anaconda. How would he escape once the massive snake began feeding on him, and how far would he go? Animal advocates claimed the stunt was cruel and might even cause the death of the snake.

Well, it turns out the only people to get eaten were the viewers.

The first snake they found was too small, resulting in airtime for commercials and groans from viewers. Everyone showed up to watch this fool get eaten, not to see men in canoes catch and release snakes. Crocodiles and other animals were filmed but the crew wanted an anaconda and they would have it. After nearly two hours, they somehow found a larger snake, but complained that it wasn't the one they wanted. That threw viewers for a loop. Was it like they auditioned snakes beforehand?

Rosolie donned his suit and proceeded to annoy the snake into attacking him and the poor anaconda, which appeared more interested in doing snake things - specifically sleeping or lying about, was forced to oblige Rosolie with a coil or two. "Maybe if I wrap my body around this idiot, he'll go away?" the anaconda must have thought.

We ask you, humbly, to help.

Hi readers, it seems you use Catholic Online a lot; that's great! It's a little awkward to ask, but we need your help. If you have already donated, we sincerely thank you. We're not salespeople, but we depend on donations averaging $14.76 and fewer than 1% of readers give. If you donate just $5.00, the price of your coffee, Catholic Online School could keep thriving. Thank you. Help Now >

No such luck.

After wrestling with the unfortunate creature, Rosolie began to complain that his arm was being "torqued" and he cried uncle, saying he was "tapped out." He was freed from the halfhearted coils and allegedly suffered a broken rib.

Everyone declared the day a success and praised the suit, which apparently works?

As the closing credits rolled, outrage roiled from every sofa in America. The only thing devoured on "Eaten Alive" was two hours of viewer's lives.

The Twittersphere erupted in contempt as people tweeted their disappointment. One fellow posted a photo of his finger in his dog's mouth and asked Discovery if he could now have his own show. Others criticized the outrage itself saying they found it hard to believe that Americans would be upset just because someone wasn't actually eaten alive.

Most people however are simply shocked that such a show aired and received the attention it did in the first place. Any thinking person should have known from the start that nobody was going to be eaten, ever.

Historically, there are no confirmed cases of humans actually being eaten alive by anacondas. People have been killed by constrictors and there are some photos on the internet which allegedly depict people eaten by snakes, but it is likely these images are hoaxes.

What fewer Americans know is that everything on television is scripted. Surprisingly, even ad-libs are scripted. Nobody speaks off the cuff, everything is read from a script or a teleprompter. And when the lines aren't well delivered, they are re-shot. Even the quips and snide remarks.

Likewise, "Eaten Alive" was scripted. Even the snake used in the show was a captive Peruvian green anaconda. "We didn't want to stress out a snake and then release her to the wild. We wanted to be able to check her out, make sure she was okay," Rosolie was quoted by "People" magazine online. "We kept in touch with her keeper for weeks afterwards to make sure she was alive and back to normal." He added, ".it wasn't really that big of a deal for the snake."

Rosolie also praised People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) which protested the show. In so doing, Rosolie explained, they "promoted the hell out of it."

The sad fact is Americans were taken for suckers and Rosolie and Discovery Channel made a lot of money off of the entire show. Americans were duped and angered because they think of themselves as smarter than that, but for those who continued watching as nothing interesting happened for an hour-and-a-half, they continued to throw good time after bad, chasing their losses. It's the same psychological phenomenon that has built Las Vegas and Atlantic City. Americans are quick to believe hype and they expect to win, despite knowing deep down that winning is impossible. In this case, any thinking person knows nobody was ever going to be eaten by a snake.

Now, millions of people are outraged because they were duped. The outrage is similar to the anger felt by some Americans when they first learn that "pro-wrestling" is also fake.

Nearly all of what Americans consume in the media is staged or fake. There is very little substance on television anymore, which is why many Americans are turning to alternative sources for news and information, such as YouTube.

Still, there's a sucker born every minute and with a big enough marketing budget, you can get people to tune in for just about anything, even if on-face the entire premise is patently absurd.

As for the show itself, its promoters have already used the phrase "trial run" in connection with Sunday's show and there's already talk of a sequel.

---