They Say Marriage is a Dying Institution: What's Really Dying is Love

5/11/2011

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good feeling? Nope.

That doesn't mean that the love of a husband and wife should be devoid of good feelings, or that the spousal relationship should be tepid and boring. Emotional barrenness is not inevitable and certainly not God's plan for spouses. But like all of life there are changing seasons; there are highs and lows; there are easy times and trying times; there is happiness and sadness - you get the idea. Those who head for the door when they aren't feeling it anymore will never reap the rewards of love.

Dr. Ablow says, "The third reason marriage is a dying institution is because it inherently deprives men and women of the joy of being 'chosen' on a daily basis." (Here again, marriage is a thief stealing something precious from us. Sheesh.) Well, boo hoo. So none of us should have to feel obligated to stay if we don't want to anymore? If we don't feel especially "chosen" this week, we should be able to leave in search of someone who will stroke our ego?

I don't want the guy who won't hang around through the tough times. I don't want the guy who's going to split when someone prettier and more tingly with excitement over his greatness comes along. I want the guy who has the steel to stand by me, keep his vows, and honor his commitment particularly when it doesn't feel good. I want the guy I chose when I promised to forsake all others.

And by the same token, I want to be the woman who does the same for her man. That means I'm gonna have to learn how to love, and it'll be painful at times, because Love will entreat me down off my throne and smash my selfishness to bits. But only little by little, day by day.

I also want the guy who will choose to love me when I'm not very lovable. I want the guy who will keep walking with me through the hard times, being faithful through the empty times because he believes that Love will breathe on us again and the delights of passion will warm us again, even if more mellow than when we first began. (Like a good wine, Love ages sweetly.)

I want the guy who wants to learn to love, because he values Love and knows that Love is the reason for living. If that sounds like a greeting card clich� to you, too bad. Love is the end-all and be-all.

The sad state of marriage today has nothing to do with it being outdated or confining or passion-killing. It has everything to do with people who are no longer willing to love each other because they no longer understand what Love is, nor do they know Who Love is. It has everything to do with people being slaves to sexual desire and desecrating the beautiful gift of sexual love that brings forth new life.

No, Dr. Ablow, marriage is not a dying institution. What's dying is our respect for each other and our reverence for human life. What's dying is our willingness to sacrifice, to serve, to remain steadfast, to keep our vows. We are weak with self-gratification and a toddler's attention span. We have no faith that deserts can bloom, ice can melt, storms will pass, and wounds can heal. What's dying is our love.

Dr. Ablow concludes, "It's only a matter of time now. Marriage will fade away. We should be thinking about what might replace it." Marriage is in serious jeopardy, no doubt. If it dies, it will not be due to any inherent defect of its own but because we have ceased to try to conquer our defects. It will be because we gave up the struggle of love.

With what, exactly, shall we replace Love?

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Jennifer Hartline is a grateful Catholic, a proud Army wife and mother, and a happy chocoholic. She is a contributing writer for Catholic Online. Visit her online at Wordpress and at MCH.
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Pope Benedict XVI's Prayer Intentions for January 2013
General Intention: The Faith of Christians. That in this Year of Faith Christians may deepen their knowledge of the mystery of Christ and witness joyfully to the gift of faith in him.
Missionary Intention: Middle Eastern Christians. That the Christian communities of the Middle East, often discriminated against, may receive from the Holy Spirit the strength of fidelity and perseverance.

Keywords: marriage, divorce, love, sex, children, family, Dr. Keith Ablow, dying institution, jennifer hartline

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1 - 10 of 52 Comments

allison hinde
4 weeks ago
it is sad that marriage has come to that.
Fran
1 year ago
Well said!!! My husband and I have been married 42 years. Love has everything to do with it!Thank you for another great article.
Melissa
1 year ago
Jennifer, YOU ROCK! I'm going to put this article on my facebook page. Thank you.
Corrie
2 years ago
RIGHT ON!!!!!
Raynus
2 years ago
Marriage is not a do or die affairs, but depends on how well one can handle it. If a person run away from the story of marriage that should to own his or her reasoning. There will no procreation as the bible said. The basis of chosen a partner equally depends on you man or women. No need for expatiation, If you know you can live to the doctrines Christ, i believe that is a step at the right direction.
Bat Melekh
2 years ago
For the answer why wasn't Jesus married... do not fall in the mistake of limiting yourself to the given options in the article "marriage" or "lust".....
Lust is a Sin, good marriage is a virtue, but according to the Bible, there is even a greater choice, Celibacy, which is a way to glorify God! As such, being Single, Jesus did not pick the other choice, which is Lustful Celibacy where he would go meet as many girls as he wanted. NO, he picked an even greater choice, with is PURE Celibacy... that is even greater than marriage! this is what Priests, Monks, and Nuns live in... they do not get married, true, but they don't sleep with their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", with 3 children from 2 different fathers, and not married to any of them! NO, ON THE CONTRARY, like Jesus, they live in a Pure Celibacy, where they are not married, but not lustful as well... they practice even more self control and loyalty than a married couple does! they rid themselves completely of sexual pleasures, and being tied to human and earthly things! this is why they are said to be "married to God", or "Christ's spouse", etc.... they are married to only Heaven, nothing Earthly... this is why Jesus was celibate, because, being the human he was, he took on, BY HIS OWN WILL, his complete divinity as well, and attached himself only to heavenly things and His Father!
JeanCatherine
2 years ago
I like the sensible answer "There is not pro-creation in Heaven." If I didnt know any better I would say its our Lord speaking the truth through his fellow brethern. Thanks Greg and the other commentators who have explained useful answers to a difficult question. Sounds like the Holy Spirit is kicking but again. Let us pray it is so in these trying times.
Roy
2 years ago
Great article Jennifer and well written! May I add just a few comments.From my observation, and my wife and I will have been married 36 years this year, there are two types of marriages- Christian Marriage and non-Christian marriage. The former is based on the solid foundation of the Trinity ( Father, Son and Holy Spirit) ie GOD who is the origin and essence of LOVE with the qualities so beautifully described by St. Paul in (1 Cor 13:4). and therefore,despite the highs and lows of marital life,will succeed no matter what. The latter excludes the Trinity and therefore God and is Not LOVE but self-serving egotistical LUST and is best likened to "building a house on qucksand" and,of necessity,doomed to failure. Let us all pray for Cameron Diaz and DR Ablow and all others who espouse their views that their eyes will be opened and that they will find God in their lives.
greg
2 years ago
The answer why Jesus did not get married - There is no procreation in Heaven. We got dignity of cooperation with God in bringing His children to life. We give an egg and seamen. He gives a soul. Marriage has a different meaning. It is a tool to help us to learn what love of the other is all about and to help teaching us to be obedient for higher good. Jesus Christ is a High Priest. A man has a choice to become either a priest after Jesus, and get married to the Church becoming our spiritual father while the Church is our Mother. But if the man is not called for this kind of marriage, he can marry a woman. In both cases the man has to be like Christ and ready to die for his wife. Priest for the Church, lay man for his wife. Jesus Christ is an example to follow in both cases. I hope it brought some light into the subject. Blessings, Greg.
eithena
2 years ago
SORRY, But am i dead? i must be cause why would ms diaz & friends opinion be of interest Sorry an actress? and anyone can put DR to their name opinion don,t merit an interest YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH GO LISTEN TO PAPA,S OPINION NOW THERE IS AN OPINION TO PUT IN PRINT ; O AND IF YOU BELIEVE all you read you will EAT all you see; maybe that whats wrong with the world

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