They Say Marriage is a Dying Institution: What's Really Dying is Love

By Jennifer Hartline
5/11/2011
Catholic Online (www.catholic.org)

With what, exactly, shall we replace Love?

The pronouncement came from actress Cameron Diaz and psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow last week: marriage is a dying institution. Dr. Ablow blames its demise on government, contraception, disappearing passion and the mockery of divorce. What he never mentions is Love. Marriage will only die if we give up the struggle of love.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Catholic Online) - The pronouncement came from actress Cameron Diaz and psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow last week: marriage is a dying institution. It is an old tradition that has now overstayed its welcome and should be thrown out the back door. It doesn't suit us or our world any longer. So they say.

Dr. Ablow gave a detailed analysis of the reality of marriage and the reasons why it should and will soon disappear from society. His eulogy for the cornerstone of civilization as we know it was depressing to say the least. (I could envision him walking up to the casket in order to smack the dead body upside the head and say, "Good riddance, ya lousy thief. You shoulda died a long time ago.") He suspects the reason marriage doesn't suit us now is because it never has.

Marriage, he says, takes so much from us. It is "a source of real suffering for the vast majority of married people." "As a healer, I can't help looking askance at anything that depletes energy, optimism, mood and passion to the extent that marriage does. It is, without a doubt, one of the leading causes of major depression in the nation."

Yikes. When and how did marriage become such a terrible thing?

First he calls the government's involvement in marriage a "colossal mistake." He insists government "should have no role in marriage, whatsoever." "Laws should exist, instead, that simply commit parents to financially support their biological children." Forget about parents making a home for their kids; forget about forging a family for them; forget about showing them what it means to keep promises and put someone else first. Forget about commitment, fidelity, honor, security, and all those other foundational virtues. All that's necessary is financial support, and I guess you're off the hook entirely if your kids are adopted.

Surprisingly, Dr. Ablow agrees (unintentionally, I think) with the Catholic Church regarding his second reason marriage is dying: oral contraception. Whether he meant to or not, he illustrated that the Church has been right all along: contraception corrodes marriage. Sex is meant to be both procreative and unitive and when you separate the two, disaster ensues. Of course, Dr. Ablow put it differently: "Once human beings understood that they could express themselves emotionally, romantically and sexually without necessarily creating multiple families and perilously diving their assets, the psychological pain of living without sexual passion (even by choice) was significantly intensified."

I'll rephrase: Once people realized they could have sex with a different person every night with much less "risk" of making a baby, therefore less "risk" of disrupting their life and losing their assets, they soon found no reason at all to remain faithful to anyone, including their child. All that mattered was lessening their "psychological pain" and increasing their sexual passion. Pleasure trumps everything.

What a pile of sand. No wonder the foundation of the family - marriage - is crumbling.

Conspicuously absent from Dr. Ablow's bruising verdict that marriage is pass� was even the slightest mention of love. He speaks passionately about passion, sex, good feelings, physical attraction, freedom, the hassle and expense of divorce, but has nothing whatever to say about love. So it's no surprise he comes to the same self-serving conclusions as Ms. Diaz and every other prognosticator spreading doom and gloom about marriage. Marriage surely is doomed to failure without love.

I'm not talking about being "in love." I'm talking about Love. And guess what? Love is hard work. And that's good! We self-absorbed humans need daily, plentiful opportunities to look beyond ourselves and stretch our sacrifice muscles so that, with time, we learn how to love. We have to learn how to love when the good feelings have vanished. We have to learn how to love when the passion has chilled. We have to learn how to love when there doesn't seem to be anything in it for us.

We have to be reminded what love actually is: Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Did you see where it said love is passion, or love is easy, or love is physical attraction? Me neither. Did it say love is a ...

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1 - 10 of 52 Comments

allison hinde
4 weeks ago
it is sad that marriage has come to that.
Fran
1 year ago
Well said!!! My husband and I have been married 42 years. Love has everything to do with it!Thank you for another great article.
Melissa
1 year ago
Jennifer, YOU ROCK! I'm going to put this article on my facebook page. Thank you.
Corrie
2 years ago
RIGHT ON!!!!!
Raynus
2 years ago
Marriage is not a do or die affairs, but depends on how well one can handle it. If a person run away from the story of marriage that should to own his or her reasoning. There will no procreation as the bible said. The basis of chosen a partner equally depends on you man or women. No need for expatiation, If you know you can live to the doctrines Christ, i believe that is a step at the right direction.
Bat Melekh
2 years ago
For the answer why wasn't Jesus married... do not fall in the mistake of limiting yourself to the given options in the article "marriage" or "lust".....
Lust is a Sin, good marriage is a virtue, but according to the Bible, there is even a greater choice, Celibacy, which is a way to glorify God! As such, being Single, Jesus did not pick the other choice, which is Lustful Celibacy where he would go meet as many girls as he wanted. NO, he picked an even greater choice, with is PURE Celibacy... that is even greater than marriage! this is what Priests, Monks, and Nuns live in... they do not get married, true, but they don't sleep with their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", with 3 children from 2 different fathers, and not married to any of them! NO, ON THE CONTRARY, like Jesus, they live in a Pure Celibacy, where they are not married, but not lustful as well... they practice even more self control and loyalty than a married couple does! they rid themselves completely of sexual pleasures, and being tied to human and earthly things! this is why they are said to be "married to God", or "Christ's spouse", etc.... they are married to only Heaven, nothing Earthly... this is why Jesus was celibate, because, being the human he was, he took on, BY HIS OWN WILL, his complete divinity as well, and attached himself only to heavenly things and His Father!
JeanCatherine
2 years ago
I like the sensible answer "There is not pro-creation in Heaven." If I didnt know any better I would say its our Lord speaking the truth through his fellow brethern. Thanks Greg and the other commentators who have explained useful answers to a difficult question. Sounds like the Holy Spirit is kicking but again. Let us pray it is so in these trying times.
Roy
2 years ago
Great article Jennifer and well written! May I add just a few comments.From my observation, and my wife and I will have been married 36 years this year, there are two types of marriages- Christian Marriage and non-Christian marriage. The former is based on the solid foundation of the Trinity ( Father, Son and Holy Spirit) ie GOD who is the origin and essence of LOVE with the qualities so beautifully described by St. Paul in (1 Cor 13:4). and therefore,despite the highs and lows of marital life,will succeed no matter what. The latter excludes the Trinity and therefore God and is Not LOVE but self-serving egotistical LUST and is best likened to "building a house on qucksand" and,of necessity,doomed to failure. Let us all pray for Cameron Diaz and DR Ablow and all others who espouse their views that their eyes will be opened and that they will find God in their lives.
greg
2 years ago
The answer why Jesus did not get married - There is no procreation in Heaven. We got dignity of cooperation with God in bringing His children to life. We give an egg and seamen. He gives a soul. Marriage has a different meaning. It is a tool to help us to learn what love of the other is all about and to help teaching us to be obedient for higher good. Jesus Christ is a High Priest. A man has a choice to become either a priest after Jesus, and get married to the Church becoming our spiritual father while the Church is our Mother. But if the man is not called for this kind of marriage, he can marry a woman. In both cases the man has to be like Christ and ready to die for his wife. Priest for the Church, lay man for his wife. Jesus Christ is an example to follow in both cases. I hope it brought some light into the subject. Blessings, Greg.
eithena
2 years ago
SORRY, But am i dead? i must be cause why would ms diaz & friends opinion be of interest Sorry an actress? and anyone can put DR to their name opinion don,t merit an interest YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH GO LISTEN TO PAPA,S OPINION NOW THERE IS AN OPINION TO PUT IN PRINT ; O AND IF YOU BELIEVE all you read you will EAT all you see; maybe that whats wrong with the world

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