| Finance

Why Do We Argue About Money? Who is really deciding where the money goes? Is it about budgeting? Is it about priorities? Why are money issues consistently ranked at or near the top for contributory factors leading to divorce?

The answer to these questions often surprise people. It surprises couples engaged to be married, couples that are married, and divorced people looking back on their marriage. Money arguments are almost universally never about money, or the allocation of the money, or the making of the money, or
the spending of the money. In my experience, which includes over twenty thousand counseling sessions over a thirty plus year experience, either directly or through staff, the aforementioned issues are always the symptoms of the an underlying cause.

If you treat symptoms you do not get cures, unless the illness is self limiting, like a cold or a three day flu. If you treat arguments about money as the cause, rather than the symptom of what is really causing the argument, you will only get a very temporary relief. Sometimes the relief does not even last one full day.

All money arguments are caused by a conflict of core values, and the hierarchy ranking system of those core values inside of the persons having the argument. To fully explore this, you can link below to an appendix to one of my books in which values are defined and sorted by a couple of very brief exercises.

Every person has adopted a number of core values. It is an automatic method, once adopted of processing information and opportunities. A core value is quite different than a casual value. We would argue, fight, and perhaps defend to the death a core value. We are interested in a casual value, but we will not sacrifice for it. We are just interested in it, as we might be interested in exercise, but never really exercise. It is a value, but not a core value.

Every person has a hierarchy of values. A hierarchy is our internal sorting mechanism that places one value above another in terms of importance. As an example, I may have an adopted value of
acceptance, and truth. If, in my hierarchy, I place acceptance in a higher position than the truth, I will tolerate that my spouse just blew our savings on a silly expenditure we neither needed or really wanted, rather than tell my spouse this is unacceptable to me. Why? My spouse's acceptance is more important to me than the truth. I will still be mad, and unhappy. But I will act in concert with my values ranking. Always!

When a couple marries, each party brings into the relationship a certain set of core values, and a ranking or hierarchy of those values. And guess what? They are never, ever, the same values, or if they are the same values, they are not ranked the same. So the moment you find yourself in an argument about money or some expenditure, you are really arguing over this values issue. The reason money arguments are not normally resolved to any degree of satisfaction for either party is that the source of the argument is normally never addressed. The complete breakdown in the relationship that leads to a termination of the marriage is the natural result of being unable to integrate the two values hierarchies.

Here are a few examples:

Suppose a husband values fun, recreation, and living in the present moment at a much higher level than
say, security, or future considerations, or even simple neatness around the home. Is it possible that this man would consider sacrificing for retirement savings, college savings, or insurance a waste of good fishing, golfing, or hunting money, and will find little time to mow the lawn or paint the shutters? The frustrated wife and mother can cajole, argue, scream, tantrum, or give the silent treatment. Nothing changes because he is acting out of his true values.

Suppose a wife values acceptance, appearing successful, and personal and environmental beauty at the top of her hierarchy, and places surplus cash, peace of mind, and future security as relatively low values. Do you suppose that the husband will be able to “sell” the idea of not buying the new car, the latest fashion, or the fancy furniture in place of having a monthly surplus of 20% of their income to protect their present and the future when both are working?

If you are arguing about money, the saving of it, the spending of it, the use of it, or the giving of it, you are really arguing about the values that are behind all such decisions. Fortunately, if you will actually discuss and address the values issue, you have a very good chance of making the arguments
go away. Wouldn’t that be a nice outcome?