Hope is God's gift, and our legacy, to the wounded soul

by Mary Regina Morrell

"I have taken shelter in God" Psalm 11:1

Sometimes, our good intentions can fall short of our expectations, and so it seems my column, "Only love can heal the lonely, wounded spirit," caused some concern about a possible misunderstanding by readers.

A heartfelt email to me, revealing honest sharing and a different perspective, caused me to prayerfully consider what I had written and, so, I am offering this as a sequel of sorts - a clarification that God desires our lives to be filled with God's love, here and now; that God's arms are ready to embrace us in our suffering, here and now; that our lives are precious, gifts to be treasured and brought to fruitfulness, here and now.

God knows, as do I, that the road of this life is often difficult and painful, but there is always hope in God.

In my previous article I admitted that I was no stranger to loneliness. I will admit, also, that I am no stranger to depression, nor to the inclination toward suicide. I have written about it before but, even so, it is never easy to put down in words. I do so for one reason - to offer hope to those who are ravaged by a disease of seeming hopelessness.

Five years ago I was diagnosed with a very serious depression. I began therapy three times a week and, shortly thereafter, medication, as well. Prayer had always been my lifeline but then I found myself unable to pray. Soon came the fear - isolated from God, my loved ones, even my deepest self - and the emotional pain became almost more than I could bear. An entry in an early journal relates what I still find difficult to express about the first months after diagnosis:

"Today as I lay in bed, somewhere between night and morning, I considered how much this time reflects how I am feeling. This darkness, suspended before the break of dawn, is where my heart and soul reside. Here in the silence, I am aware that soon the world will wake and pale streaks of light will melt the darkness, giving way to a new day. But here I stay, as if held in the moment by this terrible aching pain. For me the sun has not yet painted the sky inside with blues and pink. I move through each day in a darkness that no one can see. More and more I feel guilty when those I love come too close and are sucked into my time and space, and worried that my neediness will push them away. I hold on to my spiritual director's words, that darkness is often a much-needed place of rest, and pray that he is right."

I have thought much since then about how my experience of darkness may resemble the experience of a caterpillar after its cocoon has been spun and it spends its time waiting -devoid of light. But I also understood that having become a butterfly, this new creature has to beat its wings against the cocoon to emerge and fly. Another entry in my journal reflected both of these realities: "Pain has wrapped me in a cocoon of ugliness. Struggling to escape I am weary and wounded. But without the fight my wings would be too weak to fly."

Now, having come through the struggle, battered and bruised surely, but still whole, and maybe even with wings, I can understand what author Richard Bach meant when he wrote: "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."

In this there is hope - the transformation born of suffering, the new life, the wings. As a mother of six I know for certain that giving birth is no easy matter. Neither is giving birth to ourselves. And there is hope, as well, in prayer, whether our own or that of others' on our behalf. Prayer is our strength, our food for the journey.

Those of us who have struggled with depression must be the love of God to others who struggle so that they, too, can realize that their lives, no matter how imperfect, are precious and worthwhile. It was the prayerful and faithful support of friends that brought me through this trial of a "mind bent on ravaging itself." In them, I experienced God's love, the only true balm for the soul.

Jesus is such a friend, our best friend, and he wants us to live - for him.

Contact

Diocese of Metuchen
http://www.diometuchen.org NJ, US
Mary Regina Morrell - Associate Director, Office of Religious Education, 732 562-1990

Email

mmorrell@diometuchen.org

Keywords

hope, depression, God, suicide

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