Retrouvaille: Saving and Improving Marriages

By Rosemary Sarka

Until the homily, it was a quite ordinary Mass on a Saturday evening in late summer. Then, the priest stepped away from the podium and turned it over to a couple who began to speak about... very personal things. They described how they had married with high hopes of each being the other's dream partner. But things had not worked out quite that way. They had begun to disagree and to find one another disagreeable. They both became miserable and were only remaining together because of their families and their Catholic background, when they found a program called Retrouvaille. Through this program they learned to communicate with one another, to improve their relationship, and, once again, to be happy together.

This little talk left me feeling mostly embarrassed. People weren't really supposed to talk about these things out loud, to strangers, and especially not in church. Nevertheless, I made it a special point to thank the couple afterwards, because I just couldn't imagine how hard to would be to do what they had done. I told them, too, that I felt there was a real need to revitalize marriages, and I expected their comments might hit a chord with someone.

Of course, I wasn't thinking at all about myself. I had been married for over 25 years and my husband and I had a well-managed working relationship, in my opinion. My husband was heart and soul into his work, Not only did he have many professional colleagues and close business friends for support, but also I worked with him, providing all the service I could to keep the office running well, so that he could do his job. The work was not as important to me, but I had several close friends and a tightly knit family that was very important to me. My husband and I rarely fought, we came together in crises, and we generally respected each other's priorities. It was certainly more than most people had, and, at the time, it was enough.

A few years later, a terrible thing happened. A close friend of mine died tragically and unexpectedly. This death shook me to the core and I struggled to cope. Just a few months later, my darling mother, who had really been my closest friend, became ill and died. Suddenly, my tightly knit family became geographically and emotional distant, each struggling in different ways to fill the gap left by my mother.

As I struggled with loneliness, desperation and to keep from cycling into deeper depression, I had no way to share these feelings with my husband. If I had known how to explain this to him, he wouldn't have known how to respond, much less to help. I continued to function efficiently as I always had, but inside I was crumbling emotionally. Hiding my real feelings was becoming more and more difficult. In my very home, where I would want most to be myself, I was compelled to act out a role that was, at this point, totally fake. The stress was becoming impossible to contain.

One day I found a pamphlet for Retrouvaille in a church pew. It looked interesting, but I misplaced it. I asked my therapist about it and she was familiar and recommended it. She gave me another pamphlet from her files. By chance, there was also an article about Retrouvaille in the Diocesan newsletter, which I rarely read, but did this time.

As carefully as I tried to research this program, I didn't know very much, and I made a decision more out of desperation than positive expectations. I told my husband that, after 30 years of marriage, I thought we could use a "tune up" and was willing to devote a weekend and follow up sessions to it. He was also willing, for which I will always be grateful, though he knew even less than I did about the program.

Retrouvaille taught us to identify and share our feelings. We realize that the reason we don't often fight is because it is my husband's pattern to withdraw and my pattern to placate. We learned that the absence of fighting does not mean that conflict is being successfully managed. We learned how much of our expectations, and our behavior in our marriage has been shaped by the family life we had as children. I learned that my husband was not refusing to meet my needs, but was unaware of them. Given his family of origin, he thought there could be no better relationship than one where there was not much fighting.

Most important to me is that I have learned that I cannot happily live without intimacy in our relationship, and we are gradually learning how to establish and maintain intimacy for a more satisfying relationship. I have much for which to thank the Retrouvaille community, which I consider our lifeline to a better, more satisfying relationship.

Three months ago, I was diagnosed with Stage Two Breast Cancer. In filling out a questionnaire, I was asked whether I was part of a community where there would be caring friends. I have found that Retrouvaille provides a major element of that community. The questionnaire also asked whether there was at least one person who could take care of me is I were unable to care for myself temporarily. I wasn't sure how to answer that. My husband has never before taken care of someone who was sick. I have found that with the support of our Retrouvaille community, my husband is learning and trying to help and to care for me when I am sick.

Not long ago, I met the couple that gave the talk during Mass years ago. I had the chance to tell them that their talk had set in motion a chain of event that saved my marriage. One of these days, my husband and I will give our own talk, hoping to help someone else turn a "well-managed working relationship" into a satisfying marriage.

______________________________

Rosemary Sarka is a program participant of Retrouvaille Santa Cruz/Monterey. Retrouvaille can be reached at 800-470-2230 and www.Retrouvaille.org

Contact

Retrouvaille International
http://www.retrouvaille.org CA, US
Rosemary Sarka - Program participant, 831 458-3573

Email

rosemarysarka@lycos.com

Keywords

Breast Cancer & Marriage

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