Retrouvaille: One Couple's Treasure Hunt of Married Life

y Patrick Clark

By any standard, George and Marianne Douglas are an exceptional married couple. They have sponsored engaged couples and ministered to married couples through Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille for thirty-two of their nearly forty-two years of married life. This value of serving others is clearly evident in the lives of their five children. They are bright, fun people who laugh easily and rejoice in their closely knit family. As marriage partners, they are beacons of love who light the paths for other couples to follow.

But it wasn't always so. The couple they are now was not created by accident, or overnight. Not all of those forty-two years were blissful, no matter how they appeared on the surface.

The trap that caused them later difficulties was set innocently enough before they said their vows. "When I was little, I loved the fairy tales that ended "... and they lived happily ever after," said Marianne. "That was what I wanted for myself. That goal of 'happy ever after' got translated to mean 'he'll give me everything I want, always understand me, always make me feel good.'"

Doug, as Marianne fondly calls him, also had an unrealistic view of what marriage would be like. "My expectations regarding marriage were influenced greatly by television. I wanted my marriage to be just like Father Knows Best. My wife, children and I would all behave according to a script. Each would act out their proper roles and all difficulties would be resolved quickly, by my sensible logic and quiet good humor.

"Much of the later trouble in our marriage had its start when the expectations one of us had for the other were not met. I assumed Marianne would react in a certain way in a certain situation. I assumed that my priorities were included in her agenda as well. When these expectations were unmet, I often lashed out with hurtful criticism and cutting remarks."

Marianne added further insight, recognizing that the wonderful romance of their courtship led them to gloss over the reality of what was to come later. "A firmly fixed belief I brought to our marriage was that I could do just about anything I wanted as long as I let Doug think he had made the decision. We would compromise and always listen to and respect each other's opinion. We would maintain our own identities and some separate interests.

"When I fell in love with Doug, I was certain he would fulfill all my expectations. I eventually discovered that he was not a product of my fantasy world. He was a real person with his own qualities, weak points and expectations. When his expectations did not fit into the role I expected him to play, and vice versa, conflict was inevitable.

"Now I realize that our marriage is made up of two uniquely different people trying to forge some kind of path we can walk down together. Doug is a pleaser. His driving force is to be liked. I see myself as an achiever. My driving force is to be respected and sought out for my advice. Doug's expectations revolve around peace and quiet. He has no stomach for conflict. I expect us to face every problem head on, and have no fear of conflict as long as he listens to my opinions."

"That's right," Doug said, "Marianne is direct and confrontive. She talks to think and makes quick decisions and judgments. She expresses her feelings and opinions openly. It's very important to her that she is taken seriously. I analyze situations carefully. I think to talk. I'm slow and deliberate in making decisions. I torture myself over who is going to dislike me if I take a stand."

"So, there is a good reason our conflict takes place," said Marianne. "Doug and I have separate banks of learning experience that formed our expectations, needs, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Sometimes the simple irritations caused by our differences escalate into power struggles."

Those differences, and how they handled them, led Doug and Marianne down a treacherous, painful path. "We found so many effective ways to hurt each other --- and never let a single hurt go," Doug said. "When I am hurt by Marianne, I feel angry, pressured and on guard. Frustration builds on top of the anger. The world of peace and quiet I crave disappears. I feel disordered and disorganized. I react in the way I know will hurt back and enable me to order my life again. I become indifferent and insensitive. I show total disdain for Marianne. The tone of my voice becomes regal and self-righteous. I look at her as if she is of no significance in my life."

Marianne confirmed that Doug was successful in conveying that message. "Nothing in this world makes me withdraw faster than criticism. My self-image takes a nosedive, my defenses go up, and I usually retaliate in kind. I take conflict personally. So, mentally, I flatten myself against the wall, put up my dukes and stand fast. I pull out past history, lay guilt trips, scream and shout --- anything to manipulate or intimidate Doug. I want to win --- no matter what.

"Verbal abuse has always been my most effective weapon to hurt Doug. I can't stand being ignored by him. I want to get even. I nag and criticize, rant, rave and threaten. I watch for slights and save them like black stamps in a coupon book. Then I let loose. My tongue can be razor sharp and I've rarely been known to forget any hurt or past injustice. I say anything to pierce his armor and make him hurt like I hurt."

The hurt they experienced planted the seeds of 'me first' thinking, a process that inevitably led to despair. "As our differences led to conflict and disillusionment, I kept score so that I'd know if I were winning or losing our battles for power and control," said Doug. "Marianne was no longer my partner; but my opponent. The resulting loneliness created a void that we filled with separate outside activities. We were little more than roommates who shared an address, kids and a bed. We lived together, but were essentially uninvolved with each other.

"A prime example of how this lifestyle led to conflict was my job. My job is one that will take all the time I'm willing to give it. Early in our marriage, I was trying to prove to my bosses and colleagues that they were right to hire me and keep me. I did this by going back to work after dinner three or four times a week, and at least one full day over the weekend. Later, it became a matter of pride. I had to be one of the best, and volunteered for extra jobs both at work and in my professional society. My focus on work told her loud and clear that I was choosing my job over her, that my self-image in this area was more important than our marriage."

"With the onset of children coupled with Doug's single-minded work ethic, I became increasingly disillusioned. Our marriage wasn't much fun anymore," Marianne admitted. "Everything seemed to be going flat. I was confused and frightened as I lay awake nights wondering if this was all there was to "happily ever after." We were going to be the couple who proved that love could only get better, and now I was filling my days and nights with activities that excluded Doug. I, who was going to be the most understanding of all wives, was sounding like a shrew most of the time. Doug, my best friend, the man who said he was only happy when he was with me, now spent all of his time at work. Our marriage, that was going to be so perfect, so loving, so much fun, was not like that at all. I didn't know if he even loved me anymore --- or if I still loved him. All I knew was that I was terribly lonely. I could only see more of the same stretching into the future."

"Marianne once told me that if I had a human mistress, she could scratch her eyes out, but she didn't know how to deal with my mistress of job," Doug confessed. "Marianne became more and more jealous of my job. Increasingly, this became the focal point of many arguments and much bitterness. I wanted Marianne's admiration and respect, but she was jealous and resentful. I felt trapped and despairing, full of grinding anger. I wanted to give up. Our marriage just didn't seem worth the effort. I felt completely miserable."

"We had five children by this time," Marianne said. "I told Doug that since I was, for all intents and purposes, a single parent, I didn't need him around as my sixth child. Our life was becoming a vicious cycle of bitter and hateful words followed by long periods of cold silence. I told Doug I was going to cut him out of my heart so that I could stop being hurt by him."

At this point, Doug received good news at work, and it almost ruined their marriage. "The single incident that brought us to the lowest point in our marriage was my decision not to take Marianne on a business trip," Doug explained. "That sounds trivial, but it was the culmination of more than two decades of Marianne in competition with my mistress, my job. I set up the rules of competition that led Marianne to believe she was second best. In my distorted view of reality, I saw my job giving me more rewards, enhancing my self-image, being more important than Marianne. When the opportunity for this trip arose, I wanted the focus to be on me, I wanted everyone at work to acknowledge this great accomplishment. I didn't want to be bothered with Marianne.

"So what if she was shattered by my cold, rational decision. I remained firm in my resolve as she cried herself to sleep. I saw her as being dramatically selfish. Work is work --- this trip was part of my job and shouldn't concern her.

"Even friends noticed there was something terribly wrong between Marianne and me. We couldn't mask the pain and hostility that was so frequently just below the surface in our relationship. This time the ugly wound, the cancer of my inordinate love of my job and the pain it caused Marianne was out in the open for all to see.

For Marianne, recalling that moment still hurt. "The way he had cut me out of his life this time was too much. It was as if he had told me, 'I love someone else and you'll have to take it or leave it.' I was stunned and speechless. My deepest fears were true --- Doug's job came first in his life and all the people who controlled his future in that job would always be more important to him than me.

"I spent that night experiencing the most acute emotional pain and turmoil I can ever remember. By morning I had turned myself into a walking block of ice. Nothing could break through to me. The following days are a blur in my memory. I only remember the cold. I acted as if Doug meant absolutely nothing to me. His presence in the house was only as a paying boarder with whom I had nothing in common. Our king size bed became an uncrossable ocean. I felt only disgust for him and all his broken promises. I let him know that if he couldn't live with that, then the door was open. My self esteem was shattered, and I was determined that I would never trust Doug with it again.

"As those awful days went by, the hurt became more and more painful. My sense of being completely alone in enemy territory felt terrifying."

"The thing is," Doug said, " I knew I was wrong. I could see this incident in the context of what I had been doing to Marianne for our entire marriage. But my pride was firmly in the way. If I backed down I would be admitting to Marianne that she was right. I was depressed and saw this whole incident as part of a continual power struggle. For me to admit I was wrong would be to surrender power.

"But I knew that what I had done was every bit as wrong as the married guy who makes motel reservations with another woman, or the alcoholic spouse who buys a bottle of Scotch. What was wrong was my choice of something else being more important than my relationship with Marianne. I soon realized that if we were going to survive, I had to seek her forgiveness for the deep hurts my attitudes and choices had caused her. We were in desperate need of healing, but I didn't know if I could do it."

But at that moment, Doug and Marianne's experience of Retrouvaille provided them with the wisdom, courage and vision to take the precise path that would lead to their recovery. George explains: "The first, and most significant incident in our healing and forgiveness process took place when we were both very vulnerable. I had just returned from the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I was deeply aware of the pain and hurt I had inflicted on Marianne over the years.

"I took Marianne's face in my hands and looked into her eyes. I asked if she would forgive me for what I had been doing to her for so many years, forgive me for all those years of slight and indifference, forgive me for all those years of leaving her alone with the children as I pursued building my self-image without her. I sensed that we were at an important crossroads, that our future hung in the balance.

"Marianne's response was more than I had hoped for. She said more than "Yes, I will forgive you." She forgave me and then proceeded to tell me of her deepest fears and insecurities. She let me into her soul. I was shaken and deeply moved. Another chance, I thought, we have another chance."

In that moment of forgiveness, Doug and Marianne began their journey toward healing, toward rebuilding trust. It was a moment that sealed within them, they pray, a deep respect and love that will sustain them forever.

"In the midst of all this suffering," Marianne said, "we somehow decided to keep working on our relationship. As we talked and listened, there came a moment of insight in which I discovered that what I had been holding to so tightly - my hurt - was not as important as hearing Doug. In hearing Doug, with my defenses down, I discovered new life. Doug and I, somehow, came through a death in our relationship to experience the promise of the resurrection."

"My relationship with Marianne has experienced many peaks and valleys," Doug added. "There have been similar peaks and valleys in my relationship with God The times when I try to live God's plan for our marriage, as I understand it, have been the glory times of our marriage."

Doug and Marianne believe they are now realistically equipped for that 'happily ever after' dream Marianne sought so long ago. Their marriage is rich, healthy, and fun again. They are sign of God's love to others, a sign desperately needed in today's society, a sign you can't miss when you look at the smiles on their faces. They make marriage look appealing.

"Living out God's plan for our marriage, becoming a couple in mind and heart and body, requires that we affirm and forgive one another," says Marianne. "That's our goal. Does it come naturally? No way! It's tough, it's counterculture, even heroic. I recognize that God has given me a rare gift, a companion for life. I need to treat that gift with the reverence with which it was given. I don't want you to think we've figured it all out yet. Doug and I definitely do not have it made, whatever 'it' is. We're still hunting and searching, but we do want you to understand that it's a treasure hunt we're on, not a coal mining operation.

As far as the future goes, my dreams are full of hope and determination. I hope that Doug and I grow old together --- laughing and fighting and making love and driving our kids crazy. When we're finally done and gone from here, I dream of both of us standing arm in arm with our Father in heaven, and He'll say, 'I was right, you were perfect for each other.'"

______________________________

Patrick Clark and his wife Joyce are part of the presenting team for the Retrouvaille ministry. Retrouvaille can be reached at 1-800-470-2230 or www.retrouvaille.org

Contact

Retrouvaille
http://www.retrouvaille.org FL, US
Patrick Clark - Program Presenter, 727 518-2114

Email

jcpc415@aol.com

Keywords

Marriage Improvement

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